[AUGUST 6 2024]

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i saw a couple and usually this type of stuff doesn't strike me as something sad or disheartening but it couldn’t be anymore heartwarming. the man had been talking to his girlfriend as he proceeds to call her my love and hold her items as they walk through the store, my friend later confirming more that he did call her my love at the end of their shopping convenience. i lost it. the realization when times get in the way of realizing that you don't have anyone to share the insanity of everything your doing - but no one to share it with? it makes me think about whether or not i should be taking different risks more seriously rather than hiding behind the fact that its not the right time? or the constant fears of just feeling your gonna lose them either way

the older i think about what's the purpose of fearing loneliness and being alone if im not trying to change that.

i want someone but i have so many fears whether i am worth the their time and what if something happens and i lose the person, how would it effect my life? but than i think about if i dont do anything than there will be no effect….

do i want an effect rather than not having an effect entirely for not trying?

would i rather be hurt by an effect of trust and trial than always fearing trust itself?

i say, i say, i’ll wait. but im getting to a point in life that i shouldn’t make excuses for my own actions that are all entitled to my own self-inflicting fears that prove to no one but myself why i am my own toxic trait.