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[JULY 29 2024]

Safe is comfortable. Change is difficult.

Self-manipulation: manipulating and believing yourself to be the bad guy for wanting something or someone you don’t think you deserve or would not be worth that something. The fear of needing to belong and keep up with a person's needs rather than your own but the real question and fear is whether you believe you're hurting someone else more is what you believe when really the only person you're hurting is yourself?
I want someone but I fear I cannot live to their standards, is that selfish? Does the person even have standards or am I making myself believe that? Is that prideful? I also fear that I am going to be running away rather than staying with this person and the person means more than anything to me in life. I would rather hurt myself than hurt the person for wasting time that should be cherished but I don't know if I can be cherished if I keep running. I cannot run from this person, I have stayed with this person for so long but I cannot change that, right? It would hurt more but my instinct for change is to run.

I have lost faith and hope with the word and phrase I promise.

“She is a good kid, really good kid. She is good for you”

time is death, time is danger, time is a dagger that is a nonstop wound.
time goes with you.


what makes you know when something is going to change and then your expecting it but also not?