the post is there

 

i see her, 

happy? maybe.

 

i’m not sure. 

the look and smile engrained on a face 

engraved in my mind for a decade 

and now it has disappeared. 

 

why did the face have to disappear?

 i still remember but sooner or later i wont

the less ingrained in my mind - the better.

and i’m going to have to realize that i don’t

need you - anymore. 

 

why did she have to do what she did.

 

 to realize that was the past

 it was her not you, the sight of her smile

making me -

think otherwise. 

 

where has that face turned to? 

three photos, dressed too a perfection

seeking the truth within. 

the look of happy but not at the same time,

what is seen from my screen to hers. 

the screen to screen interaction without any

sense of knowing. 

 

so dressed so pretty and perfect, like how she always was. 

so prominent with thestance - standing in her overly large living room 

that i could always hear echos in when spoken 

 

the comments written on the bottom about the sibling with her

her comment responses never

sounded more like her.

the way she uses her own grammar punctuation

the way she comments to her brother for his lack of proper grammar

i’m not surprised she would do that.

 

i used to be the one she corrected.

​

she used to help me knowing what is right and wrong 

her very detailed knowledge about the most random facts

what i did love about her,

the range of unconventional facts -

the correcting of english.

she always cared that i knew the right facts and ways of achieving certain objectives.

 

why do i feel this pain from the conversation of her a friend and brother? 

am i jealous that what the comment is about used to be with me?

​

the controversy.

the fixing of proper grammar and english used to be with me

i miss the random facts,

am i jealous? is this the feeling. 

 

i feel her energy by reading the written comments,

i feel the presence of her.

i know the presence is still there when i see her like this.

i know sooner or later she wont mine and i wont hers but right now its there. 

feeling it without her knowing 

 

i remember when you sent the text i didnt know how to react or to react

all i remember is the weight i felt when the blanket of blame had covered us

 

i wonder the thought-out metaphorical caption of a ball dropping in the past year. 

the ball that dropped was her. 

pained us with the weight of her world on us. 

 

its now the new year. 

​

i see her post two days after she posts it. 

is her smile real? 

wondering if she is actually happy or not. 

i want her to be happy for the good in me even with all the pain she caused

also feeling the opposite feeling that she should feel her own pain for hurting us. 

 

the secrecy of social media not directly telling me if she is happy or not. knowing

i do miss her but i also need to move toward the life i do want. 

 

dressed all in blue smiling as she stands in the house-

in the town i’ve known her for. 

feeling her presence in the air that is shared. 

posting about her new year without us- 

pretending or not knowing we aren’t there.

looking, watching. 

 

i wonder if they know.

the people in the photos,

i wonder if they know what pain she caused the year she was posting

the year that she pained us with her own ball dropping. 

i wonder now if she purposely made her account public so we would see this.

i wonder if she doesn’t feel the pain we do and the smile she has is true to her. 

 

i want the smile to be real but i also want it to be fake 

 

i want her to be happy and live the life she deserves. 

i want her to be ok even though she created a hole in my heart with the wrecking ball. 

i want her to always know that may have hurt us then-

​

 doesn’t mean that pain has to hurt forever.

looking at the post - receives that itself.