[April 9, 2024] 

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the reality of relationships with the creation of stability of power both individual and in a relationship. 

i don’t have power with you. you were not aware - there was this force and abuse emotional lack of stability the lack of sense of connection of what you wanted me to feel. you gave me so many reasons to leave - but i was induced with the jealousy and manipulation. 

 

you wanted something out of me that i did not want to give but i thought giving - was fine. 

 

you eventually expressed this power that i don’t think you believed could change and alter the relationship - manipulating your opinions trying to end it with you giving lies enlaced and to change the behavior. the impairment to what you thought you could keep forever - but you couldn’t. 

 

i couldn’t control you- or me. i couldn’t call. i knew you would change the perception - i felt towards this abusive relationship - the defensiveness the want the need - you felt. 

 

The wall i was trying to remember while any of this and the way that i was okay with trying to find. my end but having this emotional and physical message of you trying to reach me for your closure and forgiveness, makes me feel ill – 

 

you screwed me over - 

 

a year later and i’m perfectly fine without you. and yet your back in my fucking head - again. you feel through my weaknesses as a way to you to get through easily and easily.

 

you repressed my emotions to project your own. you created a hole in me that will always be made from you. formed in for the future times - the curation of pain and weak-ness. i will always feel within how you treated me. 

 

you thought you could keep me - you thought you had me - in this chokehold. you burned. you were a flame that couldn’t be put out crying by toxic waste - 

 

i am trying to erase all the pain and the excuses - the past trying to erase and changing the past. i am good at telling lies - scattering like your crumbs of ashes you were for me. 

 

you are the waves of a current that cannot be tamed - suppressing this pain that you built in me and hadn’t noticed until the last breath to last enough.